I’m now going on 4 weeks on my new treatment plan and this morning I was reflecting on what the last 3-4 weeks has been like. How I have felt. What I’ve done. What I am doing. How I am being.
The last 3 weeks has been rough physically for me, but to look at me you’d never know. I’m super good at maintaining fierce positivity in the public. Only my closest friends and practitioners know that I’ve been suffering. That’s not to say that I’ve been faking my good nature. No, what you see on the outside is REALLY me. I’m a force for good. I am positive. Nobody wants to hear us complain all the damn time. Plus, staying positive, joyful and grateful keeps my mind, heart and soul in the best place.
Since I’ve decided to share this journey, I have to fess up and give up on struggling in silence. I am not the only human being in this world going through something. Maybe I can encourage someone else to keep going. If I can do it, so can you. If you can do it, so can I.
Where do I start today is the question? How do I share without gaining your pity? Please no pity. I am actually really good. I am super aware, more than I have ever been.
Let’s backtrack to a few weeks ago. I came home from running an event for a client in LA at the end of February. The event was incredible. Every event that I do requires 1000% of my energy, focus and love. I am fully present: body, mind and soul for every event that I do. I have a strict rule that after every event that I run, I take the equal amount of days off to recuperate.
I didn’t do that this time. I got home from the event and dove right back into my non-profit full time job. That was not the best decision for my health, but that’s what I did. So, my exhaustion started to build. Then my cycle hit. Sorry guys if you don’t want to hear that….it’s a fact of life. Ladies, you know how that takes a toll on your energy. Two weeks back to back of my body feeling the weariness. I thought, I will get some sleep and be back on track. Nope, last week I picked up the worst sinus infection I have ever had in my life and I suffered through excruciating pain for the entire week.
But the thing is that life continues moving on. I had to make some decisions through all of this. I physically had zero energy to workout. I had not worked out since Feb 18th. Not once. I also tightened up on my diet and cut all gluten and sugar. I know that helped me even though I couldn’t physically feel the impact.
In the midst of the physical issues, I have been ramping up my business and transitioning out of the job. I am closing out projects, typing up program manuals, finalizing work with my students, meeting with potential clients, networking, marketing, creating for my business, writing proposals, doing site visits on venues, and and and…. You get the the point.
Yay for all of that.
Monday night I hit a wall. I decided I couldn’t keep working 14-16 hour days. I took Monday night off from my business and read a book. Tuesday night I watched a movie. Wednesday night I went to bed early. Thursday I hung with my YPN peeps and went to bed early. Friday night I read a book.
I HAD to pause. I had to give my body a break. I had to mentally stop. I HAD to listen to what was going on. I felt guilty because I have SO much work to do on my business. I committed to getting 6 proposals and contracts out in the next 10 days. I also have a major project presentation happening this week as well. Proposals and presentations are time consuming. I NEEDED to work. I also NEEDED to pause. I NEEDED to rest.
I have lived my entire life as an overachiever. I am competitive. I show up in excellence. All of that has drained me. My naturopath basically told me that I burnt up my engine. I didn’t leave any oil in the motor.
It’s time for me to continue to pause.
You have NO idea how hard that is for me to do. Even my coach orders me to stop and pause. My health requires it. My business requires it.
So, I pause. I breathe. I close my eyes. I focus on what’s good for my body, soul and mind.
But it can be easy…with practice.
The more I pause and take care of me, the more forward movement my life and business will have. I know that sounds counter intuitive, but it’s the truth.
As, I sit here on this Sunday morning reflecting, I am grateful for the pause.
It has allowed me to find renewed energy. It opens up more creative portals for me. It allows me to breathe. It allows me to reflect on the guilt I feel and to release it. It allows me to seek my best path on this journey. It reminds me to be grateful.
In the last 4 weeks:
- I have lost 4 lbs (just from my diet changes).
- I have chatted with more than 10 potential clients with local and international events.
- I have found time to watch 3 movies.
- I have spent time with friends.
- I have been out in nature.
- I have been breathing more.
- I have shifted my energy.
- I have listened to my body.
- I have started to plan out more travel plans.
- I have tapped into what I feel is most important for me.
As I go into this last week with my non-profit job, I am going in with complete and utter peace and joy. I get to step fully back into my creative passion. I get to pursue what I love. I get to put more attention on my health. I get to move back into a healthier schedule. I get to close a chapter of deep learning and step into a new one. I get to step into a new chapter of learning and growth.
The lessons I have learned about myself have been eye opening. The opportunities that have shown up have been what I have desired.
I have never stood in my power more than I am at this time in my life. I am continuing to learn to love myself and to heal.
I am a beautiful, messy work in progress.