I had a conversation with one of the incredible, powerful women in my circles recently and it sparked some old memories. She is working with women on removing co-dependency from their lives and showing them how to stand in their power in all of their relationships, but especially their marriages.
It took me back to my marriage and how my ex-husband and I were. I’ve done lots of forgiveness work, so I don’t harbor any ill will or emotions. I have an awareness now that I never had before.
Our conversation took me back to how codependent I really was, how much I lived my life on autopilot and how I lost my independence in my marriage.
I was a young and naive 19 year old when I got married. When we are that age, we know EVERYTHING.
I for sure thought I did.
My ex and I were young and untouchable. We had good jobs and we were chasing the American Dream. Over the years, we made more money, bought more stuff, bigger stuff and then a house to put all that stuff in.
I didn’t know it then, but I was on autopilot in my life. I was doing what society tells us to do. Get a good job, buy a bunch of crap, buy a house, get into debt. I never stopped to evaluate what we were doing, or better; what I was doing.
I was working in an industry that I hated. We had tied ourselves into our lifestyle. I had to get up and go to a job that I didn’t like every day. My days rolled into weeks and then into years. Get up, go to work, come home, eat dinner, watch some tv, go to bed. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I didn’t pursue any passions. Wait… let me be clear.. I didn’t have any passions anymore. I left those all at the altar.
At one point shortly before my marriage ended I had left one job and I had a glimmer of hope that I might be able to pursue something that I loved.
No luck. My environment and what we had created was not conducive to pursuing anything I was passionate about. I had to go back into the career that I hated and I resented it.
My ex and I had created a level of communication that did not allow me to speak up or stand up for what I wanted or believed in. I was the wife, he was the husband and that was that. He called the shots. I was not my own person. I was the wife of him. Now before you get your panties in a wad, he was not a bad guy. He’s still not a bad guy. It’s just how we were raised. It’s all that we knew.
Today I know better.
When I was married I had no idea what standing in my power was. I was not consciously aware of anything. I was just like everyone else; trying to get by day by day and thinking it was all ok.
When my ex found someone else to have a relationship with, I was blindsided. I had been so deep in my autopilot status that I missed the signs. I knew we had issues because what relationship doesn’t have bumps in the road. I just never expected to get bumped from my marriage.
I thought my life was over at 25. Ha! Over! I was still young and naive.
Since that time I have grown; I have learned; I have surrounded myself with powerful women who I admire. I do not tolerate bullshit. I move through each day with purpose, regardless of how easy or hard it is. I walk through my life with an awareness that I wish I could teach my younger self. I’m still learning. I still forget that I am amazing, powerful, beautiful, wanted, and all that and a bag of chips.
The difference today… I receive phone calls and messages from people in my life who are on the same path or are walking ahead of me on this path and they remind me….daily….that I am a powerful woman.
Are you standing in your power or are you on autopilot in your life?